Turmoil

Earlier tonight, I had thought of something things I wanted to write about. But right now, the outstanding matter on my mind is, I don't know whether to worry more for myself or for others. While I was showering, which is always my time to either ponder most deeply or clear my mind, I kept thinking, "I should be more selfish when...and less selfish when..." Which made me feel guilty. Guilty because I haven't been thinking about or doing enough for myself with some people and guilty because I haven't been thinking about or doing enough for others with other people. Resolution would be wonderful, but I don't think that I can suddenly change myself like that. Or suddenly change my relationships with people like that. I don't know if it sounds as drastic to you as it does to myself in my own head. And although I'm not sure if resolution will ever occur, I sure hope it will find its way into my life, for the goodness and betterment of myself and for others. Maybe I need to refocus.

Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.

When earlier I said I don't know whether to worry more for myself or for others, I was referring to my personal matters and then the matters of others. Or just others in particular. Because the "others" at home are already personal. Anyway, I'm particularly worried for one individual, with whom I feel like I haven't spoken in a long time even though the last time was only two nights ago. I haven't gotten any reply since then. And according to Facebook, I am not overreacting in writing this. Even though I don't know when we will talk next, I really hope everything is okay for this person. Remember, it's all good. If it's not all good now, it will only be better in the future.

I wish I could say more. I wish I could just rhythmically types out everything that has been flowing through my mind in the past few hours, but I can't because some of it is just too personal or too worrisome or too unsafe. This is a clear sign that I should start writing in my journal again. Or read. Or something.

I think for tonight, I'll go with the ignorance is bliss thing, which I normally don't like to do or witness.
Right now, I only hope that tomorrow will be a better day for each of us.

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