Becoming Happier

I can't always make other people happy. It's hard to do and even harder to admit. I spent years making decisions and commitments based on what I thought others wanted or needed, forgoing the better decisions for and commitments to myself. I tried to convince myself that seeing other people happy made me happy, but alas, they were only fleeting moments. On the occasions I failed to make somebody happy, I became disappointed. On the occasions somebody was completely unappreciative, I became angry. Furthermore, I can't ever base my happiness on one person, or any group of persons. I have to find happiness on my own terms, and that means asking myself what I want, and actually doing it. (from "Reflections", January 2018) 

You know the saying, "Do what makes you happy"? Well, I've been trying that out for the past year or so, and it really works. It took a lot for me to realize that I hadn't been happy, and it took a long time for me to become happier, but the easiest part was figuring out what makes me happier. A couple of years ago, a friend asked me what five things I wanted to do more in my life in order to become happier. I didn't even need a minute to ruminate the question before I confidently answered:

1. Run
2. Write
3. Work with kids
4. Travel to and photograph new places
5. Spend more time with people I care about

Having forgotten this conversation, I realize now that in the past year, I have become happier because I have done more of these things (with the exception of working with kids, which I need to work on). I ran 10 half marathons and joined a running group; I blogged and journaled more meaningfully and intentionally; I traveled to new cities for the races and photographed bridges, buildings, and beautiful things; I spent a good amount of my free time doing things with friends. 

Other things that were not listed but that were equally, if not more, important were:

• Letting go: Being as self-aware as I am, I know almost right away when something isn't good for me. However, letting go continues to be one of my biggest challenges, because, per sunk cost fallacy, I hate to give up something or someone that I've already invested x amount of effort in. But on each occasion I have let go of something or someone that I knew I needed to, I have ultimately felt happier, despite initial disappointment or sadness. Recently, I came across a quote by Deepak Chopra, an Indian-born American author and prominent figure in the New Age movement: "In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." While losing things can be one of the most painful human experiences, finding yourself is one of the most rewarding. It's part of the "you give and you take" (I prefer "receive" over "take", though) balance of the world.
• Being alone: I used to hate being alone for fear of feeling lonely. But in the past year of more alone time than I'd ever experienced, I transitioned from feeling uncomfortable and restless being by myself to embracing my alone time away from social engagements. I learned that a critical part of "you do you" and of "love yourself" is spending time by yourself. I gave myself room to think about things clearly, to not think about things at all, to focus on my health, and to figure out who I am on my own. However, it did not mean that I isolated myself from the world. I tried that once upon a time, and not only was my alone time unproductive because my intention was to hide rather than to contemplate, but it also did not feel good because I was so removed from everyone and everything else. That is to say, just like many situations in life, this is a tedious balance. Never have I enjoyed more going places or staying home by myself. At the same time, never have I appreciated more spending time with the people I care about (item 5 above). This balance of inward and outward focus is something that took me a long time to realize and then achieve, but it has contributed immensely to where I find myself today.

I often say that we are in control of our own happiness. So rather than continuing to be unhappy about or because of the things that I couldn't control, I chose to focus on the things I already knew make me happier and to continue pursuing things that make me happier, because I'd rather be the happier version of myself.

One of the happiest moments of 2018: taking a train ride throughout San Antonio's Brackenridge Park