Reflections: Spring Quarter

11:04 a.m. today marked the end of spring quarter--as well as the end of sophomore year (by time, not units)--for me. During my Literary Los Angeles final this morning, I felt that although I was physically there, twisting in my swivel chair, I was mentally absent. Upon receiving the exam prompts, I thought, "Hey, this won't be so bad. I know most of these quotes!" But after writing two of six explanations, I realized that it WAS going to be bad, because I knew so much less than I needed to. Again, like for the poli sci final from Monday, I had forgotten all the details of everything I had studied. I merely remembered some of the broad, general ideas, but all of the smaller, important concepts just escaped my mind. So I just sat there and wrote what little I could, frequently looking at my watch and counting down the time. Even worse, the essay part was ridiculously easy in that we could have chosen to write about whatever we wanted. Given all of these options, I felt all the most lost. Just absolutely lost. So I started writing on essay, got to two sides of a page, then decided to cross it out and start a whole new essay. Again, I got to two sides of a page, and I couldn't continue. So I just sat there, flipping back and forth between what little I had written in the entire blue book. And I couldn't help but feel so absentminded and so frustrated at the same time. Before the exam, I had had an iced coffee with an extra shot of espresso--for the first time. And my head was hurting. Maybe that was part of the reason that I couldn't focus. Regardless, the main reason is that I hadn't studied enough and I hadn't put enough effort into the class the entire quarter. I left the exam room utterly disappointed in myself, with a terrible feeling in my gut.

That's actually very similar to how I left the exam room on Monday. And for the same reason: this entire spring quarter, I hadn't studied nearly enough. In fact, I hadn't studied at all, other than for my one midterm on April 26, fourth week. Then I just did absolutely nothing--how in the world I achieved that, I have no idea. I didn't even start working until last week, which was already tenth week. I had left a 15-page research paper, a four- to five-page explication paper,  an eight-page analysis paper, and a Los Angeles project all to do for tenth week, when I was aware of all of these assignments from the very beginning of the quarter. It was supposed to be an easy quarter in terms of assignments because everything was conveniently spread out. But I more than took advantage of that. But it isn't even like I did anything productive, ever. I even stopped reading for English at one point because I just got lazy. There was no reason for me to get lazy, though, because I wasn't even working hard. I had no reason to get lazy and even less reason to do nothing. 

So, for nine weeks, I merely sat there after class and work every weeknight and wasted hours. And yet, I still managed to sleep late and little every night. Although I have been working two jobs, I absolutely cannot blame work, because I was perfectly fine fall and winter quarters, and everyone else does fine with everything else on their plates, too. I can only blame myself.

This isn't even the end of my self-admonishment.

Not only have I not been doing well academically, but I also haven't been taking good and proper care of my health. My blood sugars keep being high, and even though I hadn't even been busy, I didn't bother to email my doctor and ask her about it. I didn't bother to fix things, and I know she is going to be as disappointed in me as I am in myself when I see her next Monday. For goodness's sake, I'm 20 years old, and I still get admonishment from my doctor. I should know how to take care of myself and how to communicate with my physician if I can't handle something. What in the world is wrong with me? It's my health, of all things, and I still did nothing. 

On the note of health (or lack thereof), I also haven't been exercising in the past few weeks. Granted, I did exercise regularly for several weeks in the middle of the quarter, with yoga as well as running and the going to the gym, but since eighth or ninth week, I have just been sitting there. Particularly this entire past week, I have literally just been staring at my computer and consuming junk food nonstop--which also explains the above health problem. And I keep breaking out, but I haven't done anything to try to fix that, either. I just keep eating those potato chips and crackers and Rendezvous. 

And how sad is it that I can surely say that my biggest accomplishment this entire academic year is my tea drawer? As funny as that may seem, I'm actually serious, and that is just utterly pathetic. Anybody can do that, so it isn't even a true accomplishment. I thought that I would feel all giddy when it came time to count the teabags, but as I was doing it earlier, I was just completely overwhelmed by what a terrible job I have done of everything over the past eleven weeks. I wasn't even smiling. I just got bored and tired. 

Tired. I'm just tired, and I feel so burnt out already. I've been saying all year that I feel that maybe I'm just not cut out for college, and that I've had enough of studying and taking exams. And though I've been told that it's normal to feel this way, it's no relief to me. It has been such a burden. Although I surely will not drop out of school without completing my degree and studies, I'm just so tired. That is why I wanted to graduate in three years, and now that I've recently reconsidered staying a fourth year to pick up the accounting minor per my mother's recommendation, I just don't know anymore.

I don't know. I wish I knew things anymore. Time and again, I have said this: I wish I had the same certainty about what I want to do as I did in high school. Maybe I was naive back then, or maybe I'm just lost now. Either way, I need direction in my life, and this quarter, I have only gone down. Wrong direction. I need to fix things, to put more effort into the things I care about and into myself. 

Overall, spring quarter--and most of the entire past year--has just been bad, and I am in much need of improvement. You know how people say there's always room for improvement? Well, I had a whole lot of space for it, and I more than welcome it. Of course, this means that I will have to take the initiative, because it's my life. 

Okay, I'm done.