On Love, Paradox



Yesterday, one of my friends sent me a cover of this song and pointed out what a messy situation it is to not be able to live with or without somebody. I agreed wholeheartedly, but countered that perhaps this song captures exactly the complications of love.

You can't live with or without him/ her. Whether you're with or without him, he drives you crazy. His little habits--from never washing hands to farting all the time, from staring at you funny to texting during a conversation--annoy you to the utmost. At the same time, when he doesn't call for hours, when he hasn't been home the entire day, when you haven't seen him in however long, your entire day is thrown off balance. While there certainly are things you hate about him, you can't help but love him, even if you know he may not be the best thing for you, and vice versa.

My friend asked, then, what one would do in this "can't live with or without you" situation. Without hesitation, I said,
"Have a plethora of internal debates. Ask for an abundance of outside advice but not heed any of it because you think that no one else understands the 'with or without you' feeling. Yet you continue to seek comfort and solace in the uncertainty of 'with or without'. And you can pretend all you want that (insert name here) doesn't matter anymore, all the while knowing that if (insert name here) didn't matter anymore, this song's lyrics wouldn't mean so much to you, and you wouldn't have those internal debates and seek advice."
Realistically, though, even if you've given yourself away--in whatever context is applicable to your situation--there is more to you to give to the next person you romantically encounter. That person will, ideally, give himself to you and allow you to reconstruct parts of yourself you thought you had lost (by giving away) previously. So while "with or without" is a cycle of uncertainty that seems to capture the difficulties and paradox of love, it  isn't necessarily a terrible position to be in. It allows you time to mull over the situation, and as I have always told my friends and they me, time heals. Perhaps with this time of waiting "with or without you," you will find the certainty you seek.

But then again, on what grounds do I have to state any of this authoritatively? I may be 20 years old, but I cannot say I know all there is to know about love. Alternatively said, I am 20 years old, and I know next to nothing about love. In any case, on what grounds does anybody have to state anything about love?
To avoid ending this post on a negative, refuting-everything-I-have-just-written cliffhanger, my answer is: experience. And though experiences may differ, emotions resonate from one person to another. So sure, I may not know what you've been through, but chances are, I do understand how you feel. And you, I.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Talking about T1D

Image
I used to tell people, "I am diabetic" or "I am a diabetic" and I never liked saying that because it wasn't something that people reacted positively to, or it wasn't something that everybody understood.  Previously, I wrote about my first taste of empowerment , when I (finally) learned in middle school to give myself injections. Undoubtedly, this turning point also brought about a change in attitude. Until then, I used to constantly be frustrated or angry about having diabetes, about not being able to do X/Y/Z, about being micromanaged by my parents. After I learned to administer injections to myself and especially after I started using the insulin pump, I began to feel more control over and ownership of my condition. I no longer had to rely on my mother or the school nurse, and I could take insulin whenever, for whatever I wanted to eat (within reason) or glucose reading I needed to correct.  One day, I had an epiphany: that what I had been tell
Read more

Becoming Happier

Image
I can't always make other people happy. It's hard to do and even harder to admit. I spent years making decisions and commitments based on what I thought others wanted or needed, forgoing the better decisions for and commitments to myself. I tried to convince myself that seeing other people happy made me happy, but alas, they were only fleeting moments. On the occasions I failed to make somebody happy, I became disappointed. On the occasions somebody was completely unappreciative, I became angry. Furthermore, I can't ever base my happiness on one person, or any group of persons. I have to find happiness on my own terms, and that means asking myself what I want, and actually doing it. (from " Reflections ", January 2018)  You know the saying, "Do what makes you happy"? Well, I've been trying that out for the past year or so, and it really works. It took a lot for me to realize that I hadn't been happy, and it took a long time for me to become h
Read more

Things I Wish I'd Known

I don't need to try to please everybody. As valiant and commendable of an effort as one can make, it is impossible to make everybody happy. While happiness can ensue via acts of service for others, I've come to realize that it also has to be actively pursued by asking myself what I want .  A good relationship with my parents is just as important as a good relationship with anybody else. In middle school, I began to "rebel", and in doing so, I of course often upset my parents, and began to communicate with them less and less about my daily goings-on. Meanwhile, I began to develop deep relationships with friends and later romantic relationships with boy(s). A part of me thought that it was a trade-off--either relationship with my parents or relationships with my friends. And I made a choice. But really, there was truly no reason it couldn't have been both.  Not every relationship (the general sense of the word, not just the romantic sense) needs to stay a relatio
Read more