The Lady of Shallot
I'm currently listening to that song, in lack of anything else better that I can find and listen to. But it's a good song, so I do not at all mind the least bit that I'm going to be listening to it over and over until I finish this.
It is 12:45 p.m. (where has the time gone?!) and I decided to take a break from my preliminary round of today's clean-up. I haven't gone to play tennis yet, because somebody was still sleeping at 10:00. I really need to organize a lot of my stuff, though, so I guess I could use that time to do that. And hopefully we shall go play later on, and then play badminton after dinner. I need endorphins. Endorphins...gotta love 'em. Today's a rather nice day, in general. Emphasis on that appositive phrase.
So let's see... What do I have to do today? Study for math, organize my stuff, read Change of Heart... Basically it, I suppose. I can't believe that there are only five more days of school left (four, if you don't count Friday, which is the official last day). Time slips through our hands like sand through...a filter? Ah, I haven't done similes in quite a while. Anyhow, the point is, at first I thought I couldn't wait until summer and what it has in hold for me, but then now... I don't think I even care much anymore. I don't know, really. A lot of stuff has gone on lately, and I've gotten somewhat confused with and between what's really important and what's not, what I need and what I don't. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. And one would figure that I shouldn't be, right? Since it's the end of the school year and all academic worries are over? Agh. People. You know, sometimes I truly hate the world in general. Oh, wait... Ha, I think I'm reverting back to my seventh grade way of thought. Life sucks sometimes. But hey, at least I'm not the only one who thinks that. So we could like, form a LifeSucks club or something.
Through my mother's "lectures" and chastisement, I think that I've learned a lot about myself. Well, I probably would have learned the same things had I not heard them, but just later rather than sooner. Anyway, I do recognize that I seriously, SERIOUSLY need to change some of my ways and habits. But often, I think that the dent is so large already, and I don't know where to begin. Like, the damage is already done, and sometimes it's just so much and even inquiring oneself how, where, or when to start is difficult in its own way or two. Eh, I don't know. Speaking of my mother, she just got home. I hear her footsteps and her keys... and now the door has just opened.
Yes, I know people's footsteps and keys. I remember in second grade, my teacher had the most distinct footsteps and keys. And it was then when I recognized that I could tell when whoever was coming by those sounds. Or, you know, either sound. Sometimes nowadays, though, when I hear a certain set of keys jingling from outside, I assume that it is my mom, per se, and then I yell out, "Mom!" and go to open the door, only to find myself looking at my neighbor looking at me with a look saying, "I ain't yo mama." Haha. Actually, I don't actually see their faces, because it's usually kind of dim outside. Anyway.
What to do, what to do.
The guitar teacher said that I should write my own songs, because I know how to play piano and am now learning guitar. I have tried to a couple of times. Actually, it was always just a few seconds' worth because I never believed that I could have the potential to do it. I mean, I write poems, sure, and sometimes they could be lyrics... I guess I'll work on it sometime through the duration of the summer. Summer. AP assignments... Wonderful. Which reminds me, I have to purchase a Barron's book or whatever for calc in order to do the assignment. I haven't even looked at the English one yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I have to get postcards! Agh. Oh, I was supposed to go purchase a guitar today, too.... Oh, goodness gracious. I really do not feel like going out to buy anything today, though. Or at least not at the moment.
Two days ago, I thought to myself, "I recognize that I truly have the potential and capability of making the most idiotic, dumbest mistakes sometimes." Okay, a lot of times. Half the time I don't mind, but then the other times, I truly do, and it truly bothers me. Why don't I ever learn?! Oh, wait... They're usually all new mistakes. Gosh. So yesterday, I made like, three of those mistakes. Truly, horrendously stupid ones. If you've ever heard anybody say that there's no such thing as a stupid mistake, trust me, there is. One, one of my friends gave me his yearbook to sign and he told me not to let the girl he knows who likes him sign it because I had told him that she sits right behind me in Spanish class. And then in class, after I finished signing it, I asked her if she wanted to, because... Well, I could tell that she REALLY wanted to, and she was sad that he hadn't let her before. And I didn't want her to see that I had written a whole page whereas she couldn't even write anything... I guess I felt a bit bad, so I asked her if she wanted to (I'm being roundabout) and she got kind of excited. And then I told her that he told me not to let her do it...but I said it's okay. Gosh, that was a HUGE mistake. He ended up being pissed off at me, though I don't know if he was just playing or not. But when he finally returned mine at the end of the day... Well, let's just say that his tone went from friendly-humorous in the beginning to sarcastic-humorous in the end. So that was number one. And then for number two: when I got home, I went to my cousins' to print something so that I could fax some stuff over to somewhere (yes, I am being vague again). When I got back, it was around 3:30, and that stuff was due at 4:00. So I went to the fax machine, looked at it, and realized that I forgot how to use it. So I just improvised or whatever. And the number I dialed was aggravatingly continuously busy. So I called the number listed on the..paper, and the man gave me an alternate number. But it was still busy! Finally, I got one page in. I didn't remember that I could fax more than one sheet over at a time, so I faxed them over intermittently, which means that all my papers are scattered within their already huge piles of papers. To make it even worse, I had forgotten to number all my pages. Number three: at night, while I was over at my other cousins' (essentially the same place, I guess you could say), I was going to email my papers to the person in charge just to make sure that he had received them. It took me forever to scan those papers onto the computer and save them, because.. Well, actually, I just couldn't find where the stuff had gone into, or what file. Whatever. I had typed my message in the email box, and then just as I typed my first name, I had accidentally pressed enter, which sent the message! And I hadn't even put my last name or attached the files! Miserably, I began another one, apologizing for the previous one. I finished typing the message, and I clicked on "attach files." I browsed and the clicked on "attach files"... I waited and waited. For over half an hour. And the files were still not done attaching! So I just closed it and gave up, then came home because I was getting frustrated, and I was sleepy, which is not at all a good combination. This morning, though, I checked my email and saw that my first message's "delivery" had "failed". So, whatever, I guess.
I think that sometimes there are people who I simply inherently do not like.
Let's talk best friends. I do not believe in "best friends", and I most certainly do not believe in the concept of having multiple best friends, because there can be only ONE best (and that's me. Just kidding). Or, at least, in my opinion, there can be only one. (Isn't that a motto for something or something? The NBA championship commercials?) I have a tragic tragedy I would like to now share with you all. In third grade...possibly second (I always get events between the two mixed up, because I had the same teacher for two years, and also essentially the same classmates) grade, I had a best friend by the first initial of J. I was also pretty good friends with A, but neither of them liked each other, and to be fair, I liked neither of them to begin with. Anyway, J and I always played together at recess and at lunch, and we always talked or whatever during class. She copied me, I copied her, more the former than the latter, as it always had been with quite a number of others in those years. Oh, did I mention that J and A always hated each other? Heck, they seemed to LOATHE one another; they always talked smack about one another to me, and I would just be the middle person, not taking either side, but being a closer friend to J than A. Then for some reason, J and I started kind of having a rivalry or something. Maybe she had thought that she'd learned enough from me already or something. Maybe she just lost interest. I didn't know what I had done to her or her to me, but we started not liking each other, and before I knew it, my "best friend" had become an enemy, so to speak. I guess I moved on, because pretty soon, A and I became "best friends." A copied from me way more than J ever did, and I did mind it that time. Seriously, you should read what everybody wrote about their school year in June that year. She sat next to me that time, and she had literally wrote almost the exact same things I did. I tried covering up my papers and stuff, but always, she found a way to get around it and then have the same work I had. Anyway, A and I were pretty good friends to begin with, and then "best friends" was okay. I don't think I ever noticed much of a difference in our friendship. I think that J and A stopped talking as much smack about each other after J and I "broke up". Then one day, for yet another unknown reason, A and I weren't good friends anymore. Apparently, though, J and A had become best friends! I was so hurt, you wouldn't even know. I was mad, mad that I had been "betrayed", in a way, by one "best friend" and by another. I think that was the very first time I can pinpoint the term "backstabber" at. I don't know. But...yeah. I just ended up hating both of them. So now you know why I don't like the term "best friends". Or believe in the concept. But like, if you have a best friend, then whatever, I'm cool with it. Anyway, J moved somewhere rather far away the next year, and A is still very much around, and though it's been HOWEVERMANYYEARS since the incident thing, I still don't like her. But for much different reasons now than before. Though perhaps I still do hold that grudge against her. Probably not, though, 'cause I don't do grudges. So there you have it--my earliest experience of tragedy. Well, it obviously was not my first, but...it's one.
Ha, I should write a story based on that.
Hmm, actually...that could have been one of the influences on my characteristic of "fear" of getting too emotionally attached to one person. And that ought to go to show that I psychologically matured at an early age. Or, at least, from my very own biased, egocentric perspective, it should.
I don't feel like doing anything right now. Actually, that's not very true. But I just don't know what to do, since I have so much to do. If that made any sense.
I have a very strong conscience that bothers and bothers me to the utmost when I know that I have done something wrong. It's annoying. But unlike some ruthless, cruel people in this implacable, violent world, I have one.
Ugh, I remembered a few days ago that I have to go do a blood test... Ew. I mean... it's kind of scary. What if the needle thing gets stuck in your arm?! They take out so much blood!! And especially seeing the blood flow through the tube into a container... That is by far one of the most frightening sights ever. Yuck. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to visiting a clinic to do that. What if the place isn't sanitary?! I could get an infection!! Oh, goodness. Am I being paranoid?
My mother's highly paranoid... Oh, no. I'm becoming old and paranoid. I think that I also acquire my sense of cynicism from her. She's always dubious and skeptical of any goodness that is offered. Well, not always and any, but...oftentimes would be a fair amendment, I suppose.
Then again, I guess that one cannot always place all trust and faith in the world, because people these days are just so dishonest and dishonorable. What ever happened to the code of honor and chivalry established during the Arthurian age, huh? Where is today's Sir Lancelot? Anyway, I understand how or why it's hard for some people to trust, though I myself differ. I honestly think that I place too much trust in the general public, and though I realize that that's not always too smart... Well, I decide to have faith anyway. From time to time, I think that I have too much of a trusting nature for my own good. Which, subsequently, contributes to my subtle vulnerability. Oh, gosh, I should not be revealing my weaknesses... Oh, well. Too late.
I don't like to go back and erase what I've already said (though that is the beauty of online messaging and whatnot) because then it wouldn't be true, and the point of my having this blog is so that I speak in almost the same manner that I do in person: saying something and not having the ability of taking it back, only amending it. I suppose that's also why I tend to be saying something and then cut myself off with ellipses so often. I do that in person, as well.
Goodness me, I bet you're learning quite a lot about me today, huh? Haha.
I've been sitting in solidarity for over an hour
Thinking of what to write, what to say to you
What ever happened to what was ours
Where is your promise now, have you done what you said you'd do
You cried and you swore
Claimed you didn't want me to go, that you'd change
I've waited and my patience has gone
You didn't change, and now I'm walking away
Understand, won't you please
Look at this, look at me
How can anybody possibly stand any of this
Crazy, insanity, unhappiness
I'm walking away now
To protect myself, the best way I know how
Don't wait up for me tonight
But it's useless to say that because it's not like you ever did
Don't say anything anymore, vanished has our pathetically dim light
No need to bother asking what if, no need to bother trying
Wow. So I began that only wanting to say that I had been sitting in solidarity for over an hour (almost two now), and I ended up with a new composition. The wonder, the amazement. That was actually a heartfelt one, by the way. Actually, every one of my compositions is heartfelt, influenced by what does happen, what has happened, and what is happening to me and in my life. Just thought I'd point that out now. Since I never did before.
I've played "The Lady of Shallot" so many times now. Hmm. David Cook.. Well, Lancelot is so much better than him, though. Albeit his "legendary" (a.k.a "nonexistent") existence. I think. I should look that up to make sure, though. Have I ever mentioned that I used to be obsessed with fictional guys? Like, I'd read a novel, and then I'd find myself swooning over some character in it. Yeah, it's lame and it's weird. And now I'm going for legendary characters... Just kidding. But, yeah.
So it's 1:59 now, and I suppose I'll go resume what I was doing before I began this.
It is 12:45 p.m. (where has the time gone?!) and I decided to take a break from my preliminary round of today's clean-up. I haven't gone to play tennis yet, because somebody was still sleeping at 10:00. I really need to organize a lot of my stuff, though, so I guess I could use that time to do that. And hopefully we shall go play later on, and then play badminton after dinner. I need endorphins. Endorphins...gotta love 'em. Today's a rather nice day, in general. Emphasis on that appositive phrase.
So let's see... What do I have to do today? Study for math, organize my stuff, read Change of Heart... Basically it, I suppose. I can't believe that there are only five more days of school left (four, if you don't count Friday, which is the official last day). Time slips through our hands like sand through...a filter? Ah, I haven't done similes in quite a while. Anyhow, the point is, at first I thought I couldn't wait until summer and what it has in hold for me, but then now... I don't think I even care much anymore. I don't know, really. A lot of stuff has gone on lately, and I've gotten somewhat confused with and between what's really important and what's not, what I need and what I don't. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. And one would figure that I shouldn't be, right? Since it's the end of the school year and all academic worries are over? Agh. People. You know, sometimes I truly hate the world in general. Oh, wait... Ha, I think I'm reverting back to my seventh grade way of thought. Life sucks sometimes. But hey, at least I'm not the only one who thinks that. So we could like, form a LifeSucks club or something.
Through my mother's "lectures" and chastisement, I think that I've learned a lot about myself. Well, I probably would have learned the same things had I not heard them, but just later rather than sooner. Anyway, I do recognize that I seriously, SERIOUSLY need to change some of my ways and habits. But often, I think that the dent is so large already, and I don't know where to begin. Like, the damage is already done, and sometimes it's just so much and even inquiring oneself how, where, or when to start is difficult in its own way or two. Eh, I don't know. Speaking of my mother, she just got home. I hear her footsteps and her keys... and now the door has just opened.
Yes, I know people's footsteps and keys. I remember in second grade, my teacher had the most distinct footsteps and keys. And it was then when I recognized that I could tell when whoever was coming by those sounds. Or, you know, either sound. Sometimes nowadays, though, when I hear a certain set of keys jingling from outside, I assume that it is my mom, per se, and then I yell out, "Mom!" and go to open the door, only to find myself looking at my neighbor looking at me with a look saying, "I ain't yo mama." Haha. Actually, I don't actually see their faces, because it's usually kind of dim outside. Anyway.
What to do, what to do.
The guitar teacher said that I should write my own songs, because I know how to play piano and am now learning guitar. I have tried to a couple of times. Actually, it was always just a few seconds' worth because I never believed that I could have the potential to do it. I mean, I write poems, sure, and sometimes they could be lyrics... I guess I'll work on it sometime through the duration of the summer. Summer. AP assignments... Wonderful. Which reminds me, I have to purchase a Barron's book or whatever for calc in order to do the assignment. I haven't even looked at the English one yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I have to get postcards! Agh. Oh, I was supposed to go purchase a guitar today, too.... Oh, goodness gracious. I really do not feel like going out to buy anything today, though. Or at least not at the moment.
Two days ago, I thought to myself, "I recognize that I truly have the potential and capability of making the most idiotic, dumbest mistakes sometimes." Okay, a lot of times. Half the time I don't mind, but then the other times, I truly do, and it truly bothers me. Why don't I ever learn?! Oh, wait... They're usually all new mistakes. Gosh. So yesterday, I made like, three of those mistakes. Truly, horrendously stupid ones. If you've ever heard anybody say that there's no such thing as a stupid mistake, trust me, there is. One, one of my friends gave me his yearbook to sign and he told me not to let the girl he knows who likes him sign it because I had told him that she sits right behind me in Spanish class. And then in class, after I finished signing it, I asked her if she wanted to, because... Well, I could tell that she REALLY wanted to, and she was sad that he hadn't let her before. And I didn't want her to see that I had written a whole page whereas she couldn't even write anything... I guess I felt a bit bad, so I asked her if she wanted to (I'm being roundabout) and she got kind of excited. And then I told her that he told me not to let her do it...but I said it's okay. Gosh, that was a HUGE mistake. He ended up being pissed off at me, though I don't know if he was just playing or not. But when he finally returned mine at the end of the day... Well, let's just say that his tone went from friendly-humorous in the beginning to sarcastic-humorous in the end. So that was number one. And then for number two: when I got home, I went to my cousins' to print something so that I could fax some stuff over to somewhere (yes, I am being vague again). When I got back, it was around 3:30, and that stuff was due at 4:00. So I went to the fax machine, looked at it, and realized that I forgot how to use it. So I just improvised or whatever. And the number I dialed was aggravatingly continuously busy. So I called the number listed on the..paper, and the man gave me an alternate number. But it was still busy! Finally, I got one page in. I didn't remember that I could fax more than one sheet over at a time, so I faxed them over intermittently, which means that all my papers are scattered within their already huge piles of papers. To make it even worse, I had forgotten to number all my pages. Number three: at night, while I was over at my other cousins' (essentially the same place, I guess you could say), I was going to email my papers to the person in charge just to make sure that he had received them. It took me forever to scan those papers onto the computer and save them, because.. Well, actually, I just couldn't find where the stuff had gone into, or what file. Whatever. I had typed my message in the email box, and then just as I typed my first name, I had accidentally pressed enter, which sent the message! And I hadn't even put my last name or attached the files! Miserably, I began another one, apologizing for the previous one. I finished typing the message, and I clicked on "attach files." I browsed and the clicked on "attach files"... I waited and waited. For over half an hour. And the files were still not done attaching! So I just closed it and gave up, then came home because I was getting frustrated, and I was sleepy, which is not at all a good combination. This morning, though, I checked my email and saw that my first message's "delivery" had "failed". So, whatever, I guess.
I think that sometimes there are people who I simply inherently do not like.
Let's talk best friends. I do not believe in "best friends", and I most certainly do not believe in the concept of having multiple best friends, because there can be only ONE best (and that's me. Just kidding). Or, at least, in my opinion, there can be only one. (Isn't that a motto for something or something? The NBA championship commercials?) I have a tragic tragedy I would like to now share with you all. In third grade...possibly second (I always get events between the two mixed up, because I had the same teacher for two years, and also essentially the same classmates) grade, I had a best friend by the first initial of J. I was also pretty good friends with A, but neither of them liked each other, and to be fair, I liked neither of them to begin with. Anyway, J and I always played together at recess and at lunch, and we always talked or whatever during class. She copied me, I copied her, more the former than the latter, as it always had been with quite a number of others in those years. Oh, did I mention that J and A always hated each other? Heck, they seemed to LOATHE one another; they always talked smack about one another to me, and I would just be the middle person, not taking either side, but being a closer friend to J than A. Then for some reason, J and I started kind of having a rivalry or something. Maybe she had thought that she'd learned enough from me already or something. Maybe she just lost interest. I didn't know what I had done to her or her to me, but we started not liking each other, and before I knew it, my "best friend" had become an enemy, so to speak. I guess I moved on, because pretty soon, A and I became "best friends." A copied from me way more than J ever did, and I did mind it that time. Seriously, you should read what everybody wrote about their school year in June that year. She sat next to me that time, and she had literally wrote almost the exact same things I did. I tried covering up my papers and stuff, but always, she found a way to get around it and then have the same work I had. Anyway, A and I were pretty good friends to begin with, and then "best friends" was okay. I don't think I ever noticed much of a difference in our friendship. I think that J and A stopped talking as much smack about each other after J and I "broke up". Then one day, for yet another unknown reason, A and I weren't good friends anymore. Apparently, though, J and A had become best friends! I was so hurt, you wouldn't even know. I was mad, mad that I had been "betrayed", in a way, by one "best friend" and by another. I think that was the very first time I can pinpoint the term "backstabber" at. I don't know. But...yeah. I just ended up hating both of them. So now you know why I don't like the term "best friends". Or believe in the concept. But like, if you have a best friend, then whatever, I'm cool with it. Anyway, J moved somewhere rather far away the next year, and A is still very much around, and though it's been HOWEVERMANYYEARS since the incident thing, I still don't like her. But for much different reasons now than before. Though perhaps I still do hold that grudge against her. Probably not, though, 'cause I don't do grudges. So there you have it--my earliest experience of tragedy. Well, it obviously was not my first, but...it's one.
Ha, I should write a story based on that.
Hmm, actually...that could have been one of the influences on my characteristic of "fear" of getting too emotionally attached to one person. And that ought to go to show that I psychologically matured at an early age. Or, at least, from my very own biased, egocentric perspective, it should.
I don't feel like doing anything right now. Actually, that's not very true. But I just don't know what to do, since I have so much to do. If that made any sense.
I have a very strong conscience that bothers and bothers me to the utmost when I know that I have done something wrong. It's annoying. But unlike some ruthless, cruel people in this implacable, violent world, I have one.
Ugh, I remembered a few days ago that I have to go do a blood test... Ew. I mean... it's kind of scary. What if the needle thing gets stuck in your arm?! They take out so much blood!! And especially seeing the blood flow through the tube into a container... That is by far one of the most frightening sights ever. Yuck. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to visiting a clinic to do that. What if the place isn't sanitary?! I could get an infection!! Oh, goodness. Am I being paranoid?
My mother's highly paranoid... Oh, no. I'm becoming old and paranoid. I think that I also acquire my sense of cynicism from her. She's always dubious and skeptical of any goodness that is offered. Well, not always and any, but...oftentimes would be a fair amendment, I suppose.
Then again, I guess that one cannot always place all trust and faith in the world, because people these days are just so dishonest and dishonorable. What ever happened to the code of honor and chivalry established during the Arthurian age, huh? Where is today's Sir Lancelot? Anyway, I understand how or why it's hard for some people to trust, though I myself differ. I honestly think that I place too much trust in the general public, and though I realize that that's not always too smart... Well, I decide to have faith anyway. From time to time, I think that I have too much of a trusting nature for my own good. Which, subsequently, contributes to my subtle vulnerability. Oh, gosh, I should not be revealing my weaknesses... Oh, well. Too late.
I don't like to go back and erase what I've already said (though that is the beauty of online messaging and whatnot) because then it wouldn't be true, and the point of my having this blog is so that I speak in almost the same manner that I do in person: saying something and not having the ability of taking it back, only amending it. I suppose that's also why I tend to be saying something and then cut myself off with ellipses so often. I do that in person, as well.
Goodness me, I bet you're learning quite a lot about me today, huh? Haha.
I've been sitting in solidarity for over an hour
Thinking of what to write, what to say to you
What ever happened to what was ours
Where is your promise now, have you done what you said you'd do
You cried and you swore
Claimed you didn't want me to go, that you'd change
I've waited and my patience has gone
You didn't change, and now I'm walking away
Understand, won't you please
Look at this, look at me
How can anybody possibly stand any of this
Crazy, insanity, unhappiness
I'm walking away now
To protect myself, the best way I know how
Don't wait up for me tonight
But it's useless to say that because it's not like you ever did
Don't say anything anymore, vanished has our pathetically dim light
No need to bother asking what if, no need to bother trying
Wow. So I began that only wanting to say that I had been sitting in solidarity for over an hour (almost two now), and I ended up with a new composition. The wonder, the amazement. That was actually a heartfelt one, by the way. Actually, every one of my compositions is heartfelt, influenced by what does happen, what has happened, and what is happening to me and in my life. Just thought I'd point that out now. Since I never did before.
I've played "The Lady of Shallot" so many times now. Hmm. David Cook.. Well, Lancelot is so much better than him, though. Albeit his "legendary" (a.k.a "nonexistent") existence. I think. I should look that up to make sure, though. Have I ever mentioned that I used to be obsessed with fictional guys? Like, I'd read a novel, and then I'd find myself swooning over some character in it. Yeah, it's lame and it's weird. And now I'm going for legendary characters... Just kidding. But, yeah.
So it's 1:59 now, and I suppose I'll go resume what I was doing before I began this.
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