Heart on My Sleeve

I figured it out. When it comes to relationships with people--whether friendly or romantic--I wear my heart on my sleeve. Too quickly, I de-compartmentalize my life and reveal detail after detail. I expose everything about myself, hoping that maybe some day, the other will start to do the same, hoping that my exposure will encourage the other to reciprocate.

I understand that not everybody works this way and that some people need a lot of time before they can trust somebody with their life stories like that. Notwithstanding this, I can't help but feel the protruding imbalance in the relationship, and eventually become extremely bothered by it. If I wear my heart on my sleeve--out for the other to see, to touch, to love--I would want the other to at least take steps to develop a relationship together. I do not want to hang my heart out to dry (or break).

But often, that's exactly what happens. Maybe it's just me, and I make myself too emotionally vulnerable to whoever is present. Maybe it's just me, and I enjoy too much the process of telling my life stories. Maybe it's just me, and I never learn to pull back a little for my own sake. 

Regardless of the rare occasion that I do guard my own heart--in which case I ask myself, what for?--the guard always eventually deteriorates as I begin to and further expose myself to the other. So, heart on guard becomes heart on sleeve, and heart on sleeve becomes, simply, heartbroken. If not heartbroken, then at least discouraged. 

So what can I do about this? I can't change the way I am or the way I think. One of the most essential parts of who I am is exactly wearing my heart on my sleeve and telling my stories. Perhaps I'll just continue to wear my heart on my sleeve, hoping that one day, someone will see, touch, and love it, and reciprocate. 

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