Gradua--what?

Another fall quarter concludes as another winter break approaches. Although I still haven't decided whether to graduate this or next year, I am mentally preparing myself for the former. A few days ago, it occurred to me that this could be my last fall quarter at UCLA, one of my last research papers, one of my last everything here. Last week, as I was reading at the columns/ seats outside of Royce Hall, I realized that after I graduate, I probably won't hop onto the seat, stretch out my legs, read a few pages for English, glance around at passersby, and fall asleep again there again. I won't see the setting sun illuminate its last rays of light on Powell again. Everything will be so different once I do graduate, whether it's this year or next.

I don't think I've ever appreciated UCLA more. While I have been exhausted from and tired of studying (on the rare occasion that I do, I guess), I do enjoy school. There are professors I want to take more classes with; classes I have always been intrigued by; people I have yet to meet; things I have yet to do. I want to walk back up to Hedrick one day to see how out of shape I am compared to the first two years I lived there; I want to sit at the top of Janss Steps and watch the sunrise and sunset as people walk by either side of me; I want to sit at the sculpture garden and write poems while people-watching. I want to attend a basketball game at Pauley Pavilion, sit in on a symphony performance at Schoenberg, watch a concert at Royce.

In mentally preparing myself for an early graduation, it suddenly occurred to me that I haven't taken many--if at all--pictures of my experience here. I regret few things; not doing enough outside of class and work last year and first year is one of them. I don't feel that I actually got to experience college until this year, in which case graduating in June 2013 would be unfortunate, as my college experience will be cut short--very short.

Considering all of this, maybe I'll graduate when I'm supposed to. But what will I do?! I could study abroad, but that would defeat the reason for staying, which is to be here at UCLA. Again, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.
I've been saying that over and over. It's practically my motto now! An alternative of that is, I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been so uncertain about my life. I used to think I knew everything--what to do, how to do it, when to do it. Now I'm just swamped with question marks and ellipses!
I don't know if it's because I'm still in school, but I still don't feel like an adult. In less than two weeks, I turn 21 years old, and I often still feel like a teenager. I work and pay my own credit card bills; I fill the gas tank and drive myself everywhere. Yes, it probably is because I'm still in school that I do not feel like an adult. That's another great thing about school: it's like a shelter from the real world. College is... pre-real world, then? I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore, actually.

Again, I don't know what I'm doing.
But here's the song of the night before I go to sleep and wake up in about five hours to go to work:

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