I'm stuck with writing songs just to forget.
Once upon a fair May day, with fair weather, if you may, a girl who others often portray as overachieving but who often denies it because it isn't honestly true, decided on a whim to do something that she had been wanting to do for quite a while but never before tried. So she took a test drive, promising herself that no matter what happens, even if the result will not turn out as desired, she would not let it get to her, not let it bring her down. Not surprisingly, though, in a world of such rash scarcity, limited wants, and endless self-interest, another person also wanted what she wanted too. Call them political contenders, if you may. A lot had been done, a lot had been said, but on only one of their parts. To just plain kill the story and end it short because your author is feeling so emotionally broken and hurtfully speechless, the girl did not get what she wanted. And she broke her promise to herself: she let it get to her, however temporary it was, and she cried, however few times it occurred.
I'm stuck with writing songs just to forget
So I'll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking the days spent without you
There's nothing left to prove...
I'll be fine. And Just For the Record (Jordin Sparks), I'm not emotionally broken; neither am I hurtfully speechless. I'm just, for the most part, emotionally hurt. But don't you worry. I have PLENTY to say. Possibly more than I should say. But I won't hinder myself. Forget censorship. I mean...yeah.
Well, much needless to say, I lost. Well, I hate saying that. Let's just go with I didn't win, okay? And it's not very surprising, because it often just so happens that the things I want most, I don't get, and the things I could care less about, I do get. Talk about adversity. But too bad I don't believe in luck, or else I'd constantly be complaining about what horrible "luck" I have. The Leadership class found out the results today, and at the beginning of fifth period, I was forcing myself not to ask the current class president for the result (notice it's singular, not plural), but by 1:00, I caved in and asked her. She gave me a sad look, and at first, being the foolish, naive, overly ambitious girl I sometimes can be, I thought that she was kidding. Again, needless to say, she wasn't. And after about five more seconds of that expression, the thought hit me. And I said, "Oh." Well, what else could I say? Actually, she and I talked about it for about ten minutes. At a few points, she said, "If it makes you feel any better, although I doubt it would, it was a really close race." Well, gee, if only my dear friends had gone to vote for me, it would have turned out differently. Out of that ten-minute conversation, what I appreciated most was when she told me that she had promised herself that she wouldn't tell me unless I myself went to ask her. And obviously, I did. A few times, my voice was like, cracking or breaking or whatever the appropriate word is here. I guess she could tell, so she kept saying that it's okay, and that I could still run for something else and run again senior year. But the thing is, I don't want to run for anything else. I had set my sight on that one office, and now that it's...not mine, I don't feel like focusing on anything else anymore. Because to me, it's a big step down, and I know that I don't want to do that. Even though it's definitely perfectly fine to do so. But it's just not me. I go big, and when I don't get big, I just don't want anything else anymore. I do realize I'm being repetitive here, but hey, it's excusable, because I am emotionally...troubled right now, okay? Anyway...for the last twenty minutes of fifth period, I just took the pass and went to my Spanish teacher to tell her about it, because in fourth period, I said that I'd go tell her if I found out, which I clearly did. Her students were all eating and enjoying themselves, and I couldn't help but feel bad for "intruding" on such a "happy" period. But I couldn't help myself. I told her what I found out, and then I ended up having a breakdown right in front of her. I think that several people noticed, but I really didn't care, because I had other things to think and care about at the time. I still don't care, actually. Whatever. So I cried for like, half a minute, got myself together, then sat at her chair and talked to her for a while until the bell was about to ring, then went back to class. Several people in that class who did vote for me asked for the result, and I wouldn't tell them, because I didn't feel ready to. Even though one or two of 'em already knew. I didn't really want to talk about it with anybody because I didn't want to break into tears again, but at the same time, I wanted so badly to just tell somebody else so I could just cry it all out at once. And you know how I'm just plain bad at planning things? I thought about it, almost cried, said a few words about it, sobbed, and then thought about it and then saying it and over and over. It was so...I hadn't cried that much since a long time. I guess it was also accumulated from yesterday. And then on the bus, I was supposed to be talking to my friend about how we don't have anything to talk about, but then after I said a few words, he noticed and pointed out that I was "tearing up". So then I was atempting to calm myself for a while before my eyes finally dried and I could talk to him. It was nice, though, because apparently, he does not feel weird being around a crying person... He kept telling me bluntly to get over it. Really. "You know what?" I reply, "What?" And then he goes, "Get over it." So bossy! But anyway...he's right, though. I'm going to get over it sooner or later, so why not now? Yeah, right. Well, I have the weekend to think about what I want to do for next year, what I don't want to do, and how I am going to ... Well, I just have to work on my straight, nonchalant expression for Monday.
Well, I guess I'll end my...virtual crying for tonight. I mean, about that one specific topic. It still makes me sad, though. And there is still so much freaking more I could say about it, but I have a final I have to "study" for for tomorrow. But it's not like I'm ending right now. Well, not so much sad, really. I'm just...disappointed. I mean, if it was that close of a race, then those few votes from my friends would have made the biggest difference, you know? Like, a big difference as in who won or who didn't, the former of which I truly feel should and would have been me. And I am not even trying to sound or be funny or egocentric. I truly, truly feel that I should have won, that that should have been me. Really, earnestly, honestly.
I'll talk more about that tomorrow, I guess.
On a brighter note, I "reconnected" with an old friend today. Well, if I remember correctly, I'm three months older than he (yes, that's the correct form). But I hadn't talked to him since the first grade. Really! First grade! He was in my class in kindergarten and first grade, and I remember that I had a crush on him in kinder... (Well, I've already told you about my tears, so I might as well break out the crushes.) I saw him at the elementary school where I used to go and where I now volunteer... Oh, this wasn't the first time I saw him, though. I always see him and his friends there. But today, I decided to say hi to him. So I did, under the urge of one of my friends there who asked me if I remembered him, even though he so clearly heard our little conversation. I said hi to him, and...well, they were playing basketball, so he just said hi and waved. And he was holding the ball. Haha. Then later, I kind of accusingly asked, "Do you remember who I am? I don't think you do." I said that statement under my breath, although I'm pretty sure he did hear me anyway. He surprised me by saying yes, and then proving it by saying "Wendy". Then I said, "Oh, you do remember me!" Only about an hour later did I realize that I was wearing my volunteer name tag at the time, so that was an easy giveaway. But then I really shouldn't be that cynical or skeptical about him, because he surprised me again later on by asking me if I'm not allergic to something or something. Haha, he said, "Eggs or sugar or something?" Close enough. Um...hmm. That truly surprised me. But then before that, after I asked him how he is, he said that we hadn't talked or seen each other in...like, seven or eight years. Which is true. Though if you want to take it literally...I saw him in elementary school all the time until fifth grade. I can even tell you who his fourth and fifth grade teachers were! And I know where he went for middle school, where he's going right now, who he's dating... I have my sources. And no, I am not a stalker, contrary to much popular belief. And he thought that we were in the same class in second grade, whereas it was first and kinder, for which I did correct him, and he asked how I remember. Then I went on to narrate that I had sat between him and Alexander whateverhislastnameis and Mrs. Masukawa used to yell at them all the time because we were constantly talking. And that in kinder, he sat in the back row. Okay, maybe that last line, I was just thinking in my head but did not want to say because that would have really freaked him out. And...yeah, even though we didn't get to talk much, it was nice reconnecting with him. I even said I'll see him next week! Just like every other Friday.
So, I guess even though I was totally heartbroken earlier in the day, that kind of somehow made up for a lot of it. Talking helped, too, even though I cried. But, I mean, it's really not like crying is such a bad thing. Girls do it all the time, and I'm sure guys want to, too, but it's just that they're too egotistical about their male-ness and manhood to do so in public.
And then I followed a few of my friends to church. I mean, it wasn't anything religious or anything... Hmm. So as we were walking there, I saw all these birds of paradise (flowers), and I decided to stop and take a picture of one. And I did. Then as we got to the church or whatever it's called (no offense, really), I spotted a lot of flowers outside, so I paused to take a picture of that. Or, well, attempt to, anyway. I ended up moving my hand at last second, and the picture was a blur. Dagnabbit. Flowers make me happy, though, and that bunch was really pretty! Anyway, I followed them into the gym and saw a lot of familiar persons playing basketball. It was interesting. I would seriously sleep on that gym floor, it looks so clean! Even though it's hard... and I know that lots of people have walked on it with their dirty shoes on... If I absolutely had to, I willingly would! Hahah, that was a contradicting sentence. But it was fun there. I think I'm going to go there every Friday from like, 6:30 to 7:00 and just do a whole bunch of nothing and participate in nothingness that can lead to chillingness. I just made up a variety of words in that one sentence (insert "lol").
In some ways, I cannot wait to see what summer has in store for me, or what I have in store for it. More of the former than the latter, really. But whatever. And I cannot wait until next year. I want next week to be over already. Because really, as many times as I've been telling myself that I will be emotionally strong next week, especially on Monday, I just know that I'm going to at least show obvious signs of unhappiness. Because really, how well can one hide what they're truly feeling anyway? Okay, so some people can do it extremely well. But my philosophy is, why hide what you're feeling when it's only going to bother you more later on? That sounded so much more eloquent in my head. Not that I'm schizophrenic or anything. Yet.
Misunderstandings are such a hindrance in relationships. A bad mix would be a misunderstand or two with a fear of asking for the truth. That is just plain bad! So that fear will prevent one from asking or telling, and then the misunderstanding will stand, and then avoidance will prevail. Or whatever. Gosh, even my words are breaking down. Like enzymes break down food... Just kidding. Sorry if I just put an unpleasant image into your head.
My eyes are getting very sore. If that is even possible. I've been sitting here in front of the lagging laptop for about an hour and a half, and I have not done the least bit of studying, nor have I even attempted to. Not a surprise, really.
I think that today has been one of the most important days of my life, because, well, something important happened (or didn't happen, unfortunately), and I realized that there are those few people who will be there for you when you need them to be. Even if they didn't seem to fully support you prior. And I was able to reconnect with a friend from nearly a decade ago (yes, I used "decade" just to make it seem that much longer). And, you know, I also learned that it's experiences like these that I learn most from, days like today when I have the most important things to say, the most meaningful things to tell others here. Compared to ordinary days, of course.
I still feel quite burdened. but don't pity for me. (Can "pity" be used as a verb?) I mean, it's always good to know that others sympathize with you, but...yeah. I don't know. I tend to blab and do all this as a sort of defense mechanism of mine. Yeah, I'm weird. So what else is new?
I seriously want to watch a romantic comedy or a tragedy whatever right now and just cry it all out. Heck, I'll Cry You a River (I used to be obsessed with Justin Timberlake, until I discovered that Lance Bass was much better, until I heard that he was gay...? I don't really care. I like him anyway) if you lend me a movie. Haha. Not really.
Anyway, it's not 10:46, and I shall go and help somebody else with his work by reviewing and printing his essay. Because I'm so compassionate and kind, even when I am in such a terrible state.
I'm stuck with writing songs just to forget
So I'll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking the days spent without you
There's nothing left to prove...
I'll be fine. And Just For the Record (Jordin Sparks), I'm not emotionally broken; neither am I hurtfully speechless. I'm just, for the most part, emotionally hurt. But don't you worry. I have PLENTY to say. Possibly more than I should say. But I won't hinder myself. Forget censorship. I mean...yeah.
Well, much needless to say, I lost. Well, I hate saying that. Let's just go with I didn't win, okay? And it's not very surprising, because it often just so happens that the things I want most, I don't get, and the things I could care less about, I do get. Talk about adversity. But too bad I don't believe in luck, or else I'd constantly be complaining about what horrible "luck" I have. The Leadership class found out the results today, and at the beginning of fifth period, I was forcing myself not to ask the current class president for the result (notice it's singular, not plural), but by 1:00, I caved in and asked her. She gave me a sad look, and at first, being the foolish, naive, overly ambitious girl I sometimes can be, I thought that she was kidding. Again, needless to say, she wasn't. And after about five more seconds of that expression, the thought hit me. And I said, "Oh." Well, what else could I say? Actually, she and I talked about it for about ten minutes. At a few points, she said, "If it makes you feel any better, although I doubt it would, it was a really close race." Well, gee, if only my dear friends had gone to vote for me, it would have turned out differently. Out of that ten-minute conversation, what I appreciated most was when she told me that she had promised herself that she wouldn't tell me unless I myself went to ask her. And obviously, I did. A few times, my voice was like, cracking or breaking or whatever the appropriate word is here. I guess she could tell, so she kept saying that it's okay, and that I could still run for something else and run again senior year. But the thing is, I don't want to run for anything else. I had set my sight on that one office, and now that it's...not mine, I don't feel like focusing on anything else anymore. Because to me, it's a big step down, and I know that I don't want to do that. Even though it's definitely perfectly fine to do so. But it's just not me. I go big, and when I don't get big, I just don't want anything else anymore. I do realize I'm being repetitive here, but hey, it's excusable, because I am emotionally...troubled right now, okay? Anyway...for the last twenty minutes of fifth period, I just took the pass and went to my Spanish teacher to tell her about it, because in fourth period, I said that I'd go tell her if I found out, which I clearly did. Her students were all eating and enjoying themselves, and I couldn't help but feel bad for "intruding" on such a "happy" period. But I couldn't help myself. I told her what I found out, and then I ended up having a breakdown right in front of her. I think that several people noticed, but I really didn't care, because I had other things to think and care about at the time. I still don't care, actually. Whatever. So I cried for like, half a minute, got myself together, then sat at her chair and talked to her for a while until the bell was about to ring, then went back to class. Several people in that class who did vote for me asked for the result, and I wouldn't tell them, because I didn't feel ready to. Even though one or two of 'em already knew. I didn't really want to talk about it with anybody because I didn't want to break into tears again, but at the same time, I wanted so badly to just tell somebody else so I could just cry it all out at once. And you know how I'm just plain bad at planning things? I thought about it, almost cried, said a few words about it, sobbed, and then thought about it and then saying it and over and over. It was so...I hadn't cried that much since a long time. I guess it was also accumulated from yesterday. And then on the bus, I was supposed to be talking to my friend about how we don't have anything to talk about, but then after I said a few words, he noticed and pointed out that I was "tearing up". So then I was atempting to calm myself for a while before my eyes finally dried and I could talk to him. It was nice, though, because apparently, he does not feel weird being around a crying person... He kept telling me bluntly to get over it. Really. "You know what?" I reply, "What?" And then he goes, "Get over it." So bossy! But anyway...he's right, though. I'm going to get over it sooner or later, so why not now? Yeah, right. Well, I have the weekend to think about what I want to do for next year, what I don't want to do, and how I am going to ... Well, I just have to work on my straight, nonchalant expression for Monday.
Well, I guess I'll end my...virtual crying for tonight. I mean, about that one specific topic. It still makes me sad, though. And there is still so much freaking more I could say about it, but I have a final I have to "study" for for tomorrow. But it's not like I'm ending right now. Well, not so much sad, really. I'm just...disappointed. I mean, if it was that close of a race, then those few votes from my friends would have made the biggest difference, you know? Like, a big difference as in who won or who didn't, the former of which I truly feel should and would have been me. And I am not even trying to sound or be funny or egocentric. I truly, truly feel that I should have won, that that should have been me. Really, earnestly, honestly.
I'll talk more about that tomorrow, I guess.
On a brighter note, I "reconnected" with an old friend today. Well, if I remember correctly, I'm three months older than he (yes, that's the correct form). But I hadn't talked to him since the first grade. Really! First grade! He was in my class in kindergarten and first grade, and I remember that I had a crush on him in kinder... (Well, I've already told you about my tears, so I might as well break out the crushes.) I saw him at the elementary school where I used to go and where I now volunteer... Oh, this wasn't the first time I saw him, though. I always see him and his friends there. But today, I decided to say hi to him. So I did, under the urge of one of my friends there who asked me if I remembered him, even though he so clearly heard our little conversation. I said hi to him, and...well, they were playing basketball, so he just said hi and waved. And he was holding the ball. Haha. Then later, I kind of accusingly asked, "Do you remember who I am? I don't think you do." I said that statement under my breath, although I'm pretty sure he did hear me anyway. He surprised me by saying yes, and then proving it by saying "Wendy". Then I said, "Oh, you do remember me!" Only about an hour later did I realize that I was wearing my volunteer name tag at the time, so that was an easy giveaway. But then I really shouldn't be that cynical or skeptical about him, because he surprised me again later on by asking me if I'm not allergic to something or something. Haha, he said, "Eggs or sugar or something?" Close enough. Um...hmm. That truly surprised me. But then before that, after I asked him how he is, he said that we hadn't talked or seen each other in...like, seven or eight years. Which is true. Though if you want to take it literally...I saw him in elementary school all the time until fifth grade. I can even tell you who his fourth and fifth grade teachers were! And I know where he went for middle school, where he's going right now, who he's dating... I have my sources. And no, I am not a stalker, contrary to much popular belief. And he thought that we were in the same class in second grade, whereas it was first and kinder, for which I did correct him, and he asked how I remember. Then I went on to narrate that I had sat between him and Alexander whateverhislastnameis and Mrs. Masukawa used to yell at them all the time because we were constantly talking. And that in kinder, he sat in the back row. Okay, maybe that last line, I was just thinking in my head but did not want to say because that would have really freaked him out. And...yeah, even though we didn't get to talk much, it was nice reconnecting with him. I even said I'll see him next week! Just like every other Friday.
So, I guess even though I was totally heartbroken earlier in the day, that kind of somehow made up for a lot of it. Talking helped, too, even though I cried. But, I mean, it's really not like crying is such a bad thing. Girls do it all the time, and I'm sure guys want to, too, but it's just that they're too egotistical about their male-ness and manhood to do so in public.
And then I followed a few of my friends to church. I mean, it wasn't anything religious or anything... Hmm. So as we were walking there, I saw all these birds of paradise (flowers), and I decided to stop and take a picture of one. And I did. Then as we got to the church or whatever it's called (no offense, really), I spotted a lot of flowers outside, so I paused to take a picture of that. Or, well, attempt to, anyway. I ended up moving my hand at last second, and the picture was a blur. Dagnabbit. Flowers make me happy, though, and that bunch was really pretty! Anyway, I followed them into the gym and saw a lot of familiar persons playing basketball. It was interesting. I would seriously sleep on that gym floor, it looks so clean! Even though it's hard... and I know that lots of people have walked on it with their dirty shoes on... If I absolutely had to, I willingly would! Hahah, that was a contradicting sentence. But it was fun there. I think I'm going to go there every Friday from like, 6:30 to 7:00 and just do a whole bunch of nothing and participate in nothingness that can lead to chillingness. I just made up a variety of words in that one sentence (insert "lol").
In some ways, I cannot wait to see what summer has in store for me, or what I have in store for it. More of the former than the latter, really. But whatever. And I cannot wait until next year. I want next week to be over already. Because really, as many times as I've been telling myself that I will be emotionally strong next week, especially on Monday, I just know that I'm going to at least show obvious signs of unhappiness. Because really, how well can one hide what they're truly feeling anyway? Okay, so some people can do it extremely well. But my philosophy is, why hide what you're feeling when it's only going to bother you more later on? That sounded so much more eloquent in my head. Not that I'm schizophrenic or anything. Yet.
Misunderstandings are such a hindrance in relationships. A bad mix would be a misunderstand or two with a fear of asking for the truth. That is just plain bad! So that fear will prevent one from asking or telling, and then the misunderstanding will stand, and then avoidance will prevail. Or whatever. Gosh, even my words are breaking down. Like enzymes break down food... Just kidding. Sorry if I just put an unpleasant image into your head.
My eyes are getting very sore. If that is even possible. I've been sitting here in front of the lagging laptop for about an hour and a half, and I have not done the least bit of studying, nor have I even attempted to. Not a surprise, really.
I think that today has been one of the most important days of my life, because, well, something important happened (or didn't happen, unfortunately), and I realized that there are those few people who will be there for you when you need them to be. Even if they didn't seem to fully support you prior. And I was able to reconnect with a friend from nearly a decade ago (yes, I used "decade" just to make it seem that much longer). And, you know, I also learned that it's experiences like these that I learn most from, days like today when I have the most important things to say, the most meaningful things to tell others here. Compared to ordinary days, of course.
I still feel quite burdened. but don't pity for me. (Can "pity" be used as a verb?) I mean, it's always good to know that others sympathize with you, but...yeah. I don't know. I tend to blab and do all this as a sort of defense mechanism of mine. Yeah, I'm weird. So what else is new?
I seriously want to watch a romantic comedy or a tragedy whatever right now and just cry it all out. Heck, I'll Cry You a River (I used to be obsessed with Justin Timberlake, until I discovered that Lance Bass was much better, until I heard that he was gay...? I don't really care. I like him anyway) if you lend me a movie. Haha. Not really.
Anyway, it's not 10:46, and I shall go and help somebody else with his work by reviewing and printing his essay. Because I'm so compassionate and kind, even when I am in such a terrible state.
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