It's Been a Long Time

I just finished watching three episodes of "One Tree Hill." This past weekend, S and I decided to start (re)watching the show from season 1 (of eight so far, the ninth is currently running on television). I really thought I was going to restrain from watching anything at school, but then I realized today that I do not yet have anything absolutely urgent to complete (i.e. it isn't the night before a paper is due, unlike last night) and that watching it would probably get my mind off my stupid stomach cramps, so I thought, "Why not!"

After the third episode, I wanted to watch another, but knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to sleep, because great shows like this just further stimulate my mind. I think the only television that could undoubtedly put me to sleep might be NBA games... I tend to fall asleep by the beginning of the third quarter (why I stay awake during halftime, I do not know). In any case, I'm just blabbing.

There's a creative writing course that I would like to take next quarter. Actually, I have been wanting to take the poetry creative writing course, but haven't applied for it. I thought I would apply this quarter for spring, but I haven't been in the mood to write poetry. I haven't written poetry since high school, now that I think about it. Although there have been a handful of times in the past few years that I did feel like writing poems, I always just felt too lazy to and therefore let my good thoughts and words drift away. What a bad decision, every time. Sigh.

The portfolio is due in just a week or two, and I have no good, recent works. Most of my poems from back in middle and high school are about--of course--"love," or what I used to think was it. So cliche! But I also feel that love is so universal (I hope?) that it's hard not to write about it. It's hard not to write about the thing(s) that you know most, if not all, of everyone else can relate to. It's also hard for me to think outside of the box.

Which is why I'm struggling so much in my English class right now. Who would have thought critical theory could be so abstract, so faraway, and so difficult? I can memorize and understand the theories, sure, but I can't apply them to one another or think of how one thing could lead to another. I think I'm just that type of person. I grew up always thinking inside of the box, always within structure, a closed system, as Saussure would say. Everything was definite because of the boundaries I thought were there.

But when new doors open and when the system is suddenly opened up, when there's space for "freeplay," to use Derrida's terms, I don't know what to do. Everything is so uncertain. Meaning exists, but it's indefinite. As much as I like and respect poststructuralism, I can't bring myself to relate to it. I like its infinite possibilities, but I can't connect to its infinite uncertainty. I have uncertainty, and I have to know whether something is going to happen, whether somebody is attending, whether to plan something.

Sometimes I wish I could just let myself be more okay with and open up to uncertainty, to spontaneity. I wish I didn't have so many inhibitions and so many fears--that I could let myself have fun every once in a while and not be so afraid of everything that could go wrong.

I don't even know how I got to that topic...

February is coming to an end. I'm glad, because this means that there are officially exactly four more months until R comes back from Australia and I can tell him everything in person instead of typing everything on AIM because we can't talk on Skype because we both have company at the moment. Gosh, I can't wait until June 29, even if it's at 9:30 a.m....

The end of February also means the approach of March and FINALS. It's already week 8. Winter quarter has just flown by! I don't even remember fall quarter or the first half of this quarter... Winter quarter is always dangerous for me, in that I tend to forget that there's another quarter of school after this round of finals. I think it's because of winter break, which seems like such a divide that it should be the "halftime" between one quarter and another. And then it's another break--summer break! But no, it's just a measly, one-week spring break. It's okay, though, I guess I'll take what I can get...

We should be happy with that, right? At least we have the opportunity to go back to school and learn. We should appreciate that, just like how we shouldn't be annoyed when our professors don't let us out early, because we're paying for them to teach us, and if we want to get our money's worth, then they're just doing us a favor! Something like that.

Today, I attended a talk called "Making Connections: The Importance of an English Degree." Even though it coincided with my poli sci class time, I decided to attend for the short while that I could anyway. All four of the panel speakers have Bachelor's Degrees in English from UCLA. Long story short, two of them went on to law school to obtain their J.D.s and the other two went on to business school to obtain their M.B.A.s. The former two are something like lawyers now, I think. But the latter two... The thing that struck me was that they were both English majors in undergraduate school, and they ended up crunching numbers as financial people after graduate school. They both stressed the importance of an English degree no matter what job you pursue, because there are so few people in the world who can write well. One of the other speakers said that companies seek the analytical skills that English majors acquire from their studies, and studying something else on top of that just makes them all the more viable candidates. On top of this, companies can teach you how to crunch numbers, but they can't teach you how to write. Although I had to leave after that, I left feeling relieved and a bit more confident in what I'm currently studying. Maybe I'll think about business school, too! Haha.

I know that paragraph probably was not as eloquent as it could be, but I think I'm starting to get sleepy!

So, until next time,

good night!