Days of My Life

I know I'm sleepy, and I know I can fall asleep in just moments if I just lie down in bed. But I have an urge to just blog even though I did it last night and did some writing (on Yelp) earlier. Urges. How can you deny what the heart wants? What are the consequences of that? I have plenty of urges, plenty of cravings. Does this mean I'm impulsive and gluttonous? However, I deny most of those urges and cravings, often with much afterthought and analysis. Does this mean I'm reasonable yet conflicted? For the past few months, I've been conflicted, and I've said it here a number of times. Urge and reason collaborate to create conflict within me, and it's absolutely killing me. Talking hasn't help. Writing hasn't helped. Time hasn't been enough. I hope England will be enough to simply push me over this hump and rid my mind of all conflict and debate. I hope my only urges will be to read Shakespeare, stay awake in class, and have plenty of food and fun...

I used to wish I was 20 years old already because I thought 20 was the best age to have fun and do whatever I want. I forget I'm even 20 years old, and often wish I were a child again, without a worry in the world. Living under my parents' roof as well as under my own inhibitions, I cannot do whatever I please, though I still do have fun. But there's work. Never thought I would have to work at 20. It makes me feel oh so old. I used to want to be a choreographer, a NASCAR racer, a doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, an actress... I changed my mind all the time. I wanted to be a writer for the longest time. Now I don't know what I want to be. I want to write, but even that is less clear to me nowadays than it used to be. I can't do choreography, acting, or NASCAR. I won't do medicine or law. Maybe education. The vastness of options leaves me lost, more so now than ever. I still change my mind all the time. I used to think adults had it so much easier than kids...

Is it peculiar that I am afraid of doors? I have noticed that many new big homes nowadays have so many doors, and while these doors compartmentalize potential hiding spots for hide-and-go-seek, they frighten me. I'm always curious--but simultaneously wary--of what could be behind every door. The possibilities scare me. You know how people say, "When opportunity knocks, open the door"? Well, I wonder if my "fear" of doors is an indication that I am afraid of opportunity. Perhaps more specifically, I'm afraid of the infinite possibilities that accumulate from one door to the next, and of the subsequent uncertainty all of those possibilities might bring. Now that I have said that, perhaps that's true, as I have been so uncertain as of late that I'm just too tired and too unmotivated to open any more doors. I don't want to be even more uncertain than I have been. More concretely, I claim a fear of doors because when I go to sleep at night, every do...

I woke up to Backstreet Boys' "As Long As You Love me" at 5:20 this morning (only a few hours ago now), and while I was brushing my teeth, I pondered the lyrics of the song as though it were the first time I had heard it, when really, I've listened to it umpteen times. Anyway, here are partial lyrics of the song: Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine I'm leavin' my life in your hands People say I'm crazy and that I am blind Risking it all in a glance And how you got me blind is still a mystery I can't get you out of my head Don't care what is written in your history As long as you're here with me I don't care who you are Where you're from What you did As long as you love me Who you are Where you're from Don't care what you did As long as you love me Every little thing that you have said and done Feels like it's deep within me Doesn't really matter if you're on the run It seems like we're mean...

I can't believe it's July already. I don't believe that time has ever passed so quickly as it has since I began college. Add to that my utter uncertainty, and, well, there we have a disaster! (Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but it's okay.) The past few weeks have been quite hectic, yet monotonous, in that I now feel that I live only two types of days: work and non-work. All my work-days are the same in that I wake up, eat something or get something to eat, and go to work. Then I come home in the evening, eat dinner, and maybe go out for boba, or just rest. Non-work days, I wake up and go out to eat, stay out, come back, go back out, et cetera. I've been going out too much, I realize, and I need to have some days of just plain staying at home and relaxing (i.e. not driving at all). This lifestyle is getting quite tiring. I don't know how adults do it! Maybe they do it differently? I don't know. No matter what my age, I still have such a difficult time co...